Mixed Emotions

Today is full of mixed emotions.:

A year ago today, I kissed my husband good-bye for 8 and 1/2 weeks. Two days before that was the day he proposed....

The emotions I feel at this very moment are every bit as strong as they were a year ago. But they are more complex, deeper. Trying to put them into words is almost agonizing and I am actually typing this with tears in my eyes.

I remember waking up with Gerrit on his couch where I had cried myself to sleep the night before. We'd had dinner with his and my parents the previous day. And in preparation for his leaving, I had buzzed off all of his beautiful hair in the kitchen of his apartment. I remember opening my eyes and the wave of emotion hit me, the realization that he was leaving that day. I cried and begged him not to make me go to class, to let me spend the day with him. But my stubborn Gerrit, the same as ever, put my education before everything else, drove me to my dorm to change, and then drove me up the hill to my first class. I don't even remember any of my classes that day except for a single instance. I commented to my lab partners that I was going to have to leave lab early and could I get the data from them later? A friend commented how "lucky" I was to be leaving early. I remember just looking at her and saying, "I'm lucky? I have to go say good-bye to fiance for 8 and a half weeks. He's leaving for the Air Force."

So I kissed him good-bye and sat in my car, crying sobbing out of control, determined to watch him drive away with the recruiter, to see him just one last time. To see him blow me a kiss as he left. A dozen letters, a handful of phone calls, and 8 and a half weeks later, I watched him march in at BMT graduation. The entire plane ride down, with his mother and sister, I had been excited, nauseous, terrified. How much different was he going to be? Will he still be the same man I fell in love with? Will he still love me?

I had been terrified to touch him, to look him in the eye, to really talk to him. Once alone, I got my answers. He was different for sure but he was definitely still the same man who was still in love with me. Different in that he was more mature, less goofy and carefree but only when in uniform. I remember crying when it finally hit me that he was still "My Gerrit".

I am so proud of my husband. I have been since the day he graduated BMT. Though it was hard to be apart for 8 months, every minute of it was worth it. The Air Force has been a blessing in that it helped him to grow in to the man I finally got to marry. The man who would walk through fire for me. The man who would risk his life for his country. Some days I absolutely love the Air Force, and some days.... not so much. But without it, I would not have the life that I have with my husband today. I don't have always love it, but I will always love what it has made my husband become. I am so proud of him and always will be.